If you invent a sport that people can play for enjoyment, and it turns out there is such a thing as a certain set of skills which that sport emphasizes, and it turns out there are some people more than others who have an overwhelming advantage over most other people in those skills through a combination of native talents and diligent hard work on them, and those people are so incredible at applying theirs skills to the game which most emphasizes them that layman enthusiasts of the sport are willing to pay money to see these specialists play the sport, well, you should be commemorated somehow. That is an achievement. Kind of.
This is Part 2 of the Very Serious Total Bozo Magazine 2013 NBA Preview That You Need To Read In Order To Waste Your Life On Drivel, where we investigate the important facts about this year's NBA Western Conference teams. Capsules are by Ben Johnson, with additional totally unrelated comments by Kelly McClure.
CLICK HERE FOR PART 1.
WESTERN CONFERENCE:
Golden State Warriors
Their smallball lineup with Jarrett
Jack, Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, Carl Landry, and David Lee was my favorite
NBA unit last year. Jack and Landry are gone, so maybe this year we'll have a
version with Curry, Thompson, Lee, Harrison Barnes and Andre Igoudala that will
be even better while not being a defensive sieve. That's kind of a shame,
because the sieve-ness of that lineup last year is what made it fun. They'd run
back on defense and gun for steals and otherwise just hope you'd miss, then
turn around and glop a bucketfull of points on your head. I am going to miss
them. R.I.P. Warriors small ball 2012-2013.
The Warriors are so much fun to watch
they make it almost worth it to walk around saying things like "their
smallball lineup was my favorite NBA unit last year" to strangers in the
street, just in case one of them goes "I KNOW," and then you can be
friends for life. Hey, guy by the train station standing numbly next to the New
Jesus Ministry sign: what was your favorite five man lineup in the NBA last
year? Heat with Bosh at center? Get a life. Hey, muttering old lady with the
unbuckled velcro tennis shoes from 1994, what was your favorite five man lineup
in the...
Hey Kelly. What was your favorite five
man lineup of the Yardbirds? Ha ha. Just kidding. I don't care.
KMC: I just woke up and am sitting at my desk
explaining to my girlfriend who Gavin Mcinnes is because we watched a video of
him saying that feminists are depressed because they would really much rather
be at home raising kids rather than having a career. We watched this on her
phone and then I got up and made coffee. About 45 seconds ago a siren went off
outside and I looked over at the window and yelled “WHATS THIS NOISES??”
Los Angeles Clippers
I love how angry Chris Paul always looks
on a basketball court. He points and he yells; he takes his mouthguard out and
waves it around; he berates officials; he deigns to pretend to listen to Vinny
Del Negro; he refuses to pass it to Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan in crunch
time because they can't hit foul shots; and yet he somehow seems totally fine
with the idea of Jamal Crawford's existence. He's like The Great Dictator
out there.
Now the Clippers have Dov Rivers
coaching them, so that should help the basketball but hurt the entertainment
factor. Rivers is an actual coach who actually yells back and has plans and
manages personalities and stuff. Del Negro always had a look on his face like
"I don't understand why you're doing this to us." R.I.P. Vinny Del
Negro, the Kirk Hammett in Some Kind of Monster of NBA coaches.
Kelly, who's your favorite metal
guitarist? Don't say Johnny Marr.
KMC: I’m going to see this metal band called The Body
at a metal bar called Saint Vitus on Halloween. They live in Portland, which I
think is really funny. Metal bands shouldn’t live in Portland. When I think of
going to this show I think about how the chances of people bumping into me
there, physically, are 100%.
Johnny Marr lived in Portland for a while, but I think
he moved back to England.
Los Angeles Lakers
The Lakers being this bad is just what
the sports fan world needs to wash out the "a rhinoceros just took a shit
in my mouth" feeling of sitting through a Red Sox vs. Cardinals World
Series. Both of THOSE teams are like the broomsticks in Fantasia, and
their fanbases are rooting for more water in the well. The Lakers sucking, and
having no clear plan for not sucking anytime soon other than LeBron Please
Please, is comparably glorious.
The best part is Kobe Bryant, trying to
move heaven and earth and eschew all expectations of human medical science to
come back from a torn Achilles. He knows that when he comes back he'll be
joining the 2013-2014 Lakers, right? It's like he's in a big rush to be as upset
as possible.
Meanwhile, Pau Gasol gets to actually
enjoy himself on a basketball court without being screamed at by a teammate.
He's going to love it. I watched Vantage Point with my girlfriend last night
and there's this Spanish guy in it who looks like Pau Gasol. My girlfriend did
not know who Pau Gasol is, even though I have a Pau Gasol bobblehead that she's
been trying to throw away for the last three years. She doesn't care who that
bobblehead is a likeness of. She just thinks "I want that random basketball
guy GONE."
Kelly: What's your worst home
decoration?
KMC: My home decorations are solid. I DO spend a lot
of my days making sure that there are no visible cords anywhere though. The
cable cord for the cable box is white and it haunts me. I’m probably gonna end
up buying a rug just for the purpose of covering that cord.
Phoenix Suns
I really hope some poor deluded Suns
fans make a sign that says "Lensanity" in honor of recent draftee
Alex Len. Whether or not that happens constitutes the entirety of my interest
in the 2013-2014 Phoenix Suns.
Kelly: have you seen this clip? I saw James
Taylor perform once in an intimate setting and it was so boring I had an out of
body experience.
KMC: My girlfriend is awake now. She just walked into
the kitchen and sang the words “There’s a dick on the sink.” That’s because
there’s a dick on the sink. I washed it with my popcorn bowl that I was too
lazy to wash before bed last night.
Sacramento Kings
If you want to see a group of people who
get paid millions of dollars to do something they apparently HATE, you should
watch the Sacramento Kings play basketball. They also hate being in Sacramento.
It's like if I got $7 million a year to live in the suburbs of Nashville and be
a Professional Wandering Around Target Looking For The Keurig Cups And An
Appropriate Lampshade guy. I'd hate the job, and when I was done, I would go
home and hate my home and my life.
These guys jack shots and shrug off
their defensive responsibilities like I grab the nearest possible workable
thing I might be looking for and get the hell out of there so I could go, I
don't know, play Angry Birds in a Jamba Juice for two hours, or whatever people
do for fun in the suburbs of Nashville. But with the Kings all you get to see
is how they are on court, A.K.A. Target, and The Sacramento Kings would very
apparently all rather be sitting in the car listening to a Foreigner rock block
on 97.9. That how much they hate playing professional basketball in Sacramento.
They treat it like it's less fun than listening to "Double Vision"
followed by "Juke Box Hero," which is NOT FUN.
Kelly: what's your least favorite place?
KMC: There is no place on earth worse than Olympia,
Washington. If someone offered me free rent for life, and an unlimited grocery
store charge card, and a pretty good possibility of becoming the town’s mayor,
I wouldn’t do it. If I became an evil comic book villain somehow, that would be
the first place I’d do villain shit on.
Dallas Mavericks
JJ. Barea in the 2010 playoffs was the
last time anything fun happened to the Dallas Mavericks, and then they let him
go and now they're the Dallas Maverzzzzzzzzzz. Not even Monta Ellis can make
this morass watchable, because these days, not even Monta Ellis is Monta Ellis.
He's like Monta Ellis if you took away all the sometimes ever making a shot.
The Mavs have been an "oh
yuck" viewing option for so long it's kind of surprising whenever you find
yourself going "what about the Mavs" in your head and then Shawn
Marion pops in there and you go "oh yeah, Shawn Marion." Remember
Shawn Marion, you guys? The Matrix. They called Shawn Marion The Matrix because
that's a thing that was happening while they were giving out nicknames back
then. I am all about dated nicknames.
Here are the Dallas Mavericks dated
nicknames starting five:
PG - Jose "Double Dip
Recession on Defense" Calderon
SG - Monta "Yes We Can" Ellis
SF - Shawn "The Matrix" Marion
PF - Dirk "Shooter McGavin"
Nowitzki
C - Samuel "Samuel Dalembert"
Dalembert
You ever have a nickname, Kelly?
KMC: People do that stupid thing from Cheers in my
face sometimes. When it happens I’m always just like “oh yeah. You’re doing
that thing.” That’s not a nickname though. I kind of hate it when people call
me “Kell.”
Houston Rockets
Everybody loves the James Harden trade
for the Rockets, but it killed Linsanity dead. Poor Jeremy Lin. He was the
undisputed King of New York for like three weeks while sleeping on a buddy's
couch, and probably didn't have the personality to really capitalize on that,
and then he got injured, and then he got picked up by the Rockets, and then he got
immediately replaced as the primary ballhandler, distributor, and pick and roll initiator.
Now he's just a smaller, below average defensive point guard running around without the ball, leading the second unit for short stretches, and collecting a paycheck. The electricity is gone. Poor guy is going to bounce around the league like Luke Ridnour for another ten
years.
We're still feeling the fallout from
that wacky lockout shortened season schedule where every team had three games a
week. There are so many injured guys in the league now, and I'd venture to
guess that the 2011-2012 season's abnormal wear and tear has a lot to do with
it. But that season did give us Linsanity, where a backup backup backup Harvard-educated Asian American point
guard took over and rejuvenated one of the league's marquee franchises, and
that was a weird magical thing.
Even though many of the best and most
exciting players are/were hurt over the last two years (Rose, Rondo, Westbrook,
Love, Rubio, Bynum--R.I.P. Bynum, Kobe, Wall, etc. etc. etc.), it's almost a
shame we have to go back to the regular trudge of an 82-game October-to-April
schedule. The NBA regular season can feel like a band that only plays plodding
midtempo numbers, like say Pearl Jam, and the 2011-2012 season was like one of
those semi-incindiary post-Cobain Pearl Jam songs where you're like, "Whoa,
this actually comes close to kind of rocking, how come they don't just always
do this?"
Kelly Kelly Kelly McClure, king of the
wild frontier; butthead. That is a weird thing my junior year of high school
history teacher would say sometimes. You're supposed to say "stop"
before I can get to the part where I call you a butthead. He was the best
teacher I've ever had.
KMC: My first grade teacher’s name was Ms.
Quackenbush. She told my Mom once that I was a “chatty Cathy” and my Mom was
like “we literally thought she was a deaf mute.”
Memphis Grizzlies
I am a complete asshole, pretty much,
and that is something I know about myself and try my best to rectify whenever
possible. I don't always succeed. Recently I got a puppy, and that is helping
with the asshole thing because I have to take care of this cute idiot furry
thing and my life is full of these weirdly tender moments where I'm putting a
harness on a living creature while murmuring soothing nonsense sounds.
I don't know if I'm going to become a
Dog Person now or not. I mean, there's dog people, like "yeah, I have a
dog, dogs are great," and then there's capital D capital P Dog People who
are like, "I'm about dogs. My life is dogs and dog things." I enjoy
having a dog. I like making small talk with other dog owners in my neighborhood
about topics in doghaving. Dogs are like sweet family members who make everything nicer
and give everybody something to do and focus on. But in an emergency apocalypse
situation if they can't help me forage for food they become meat pretty much
right away. That's where I am on the dog lover spectrum. I'm a realist. But I'm
not married to that. I've only had a dog for like two months now. She's been doing a
good job of pooping outside and I like that, except this weekend she stole and ate an entire sloppy joe, and her schedule's been all messed up.
Zach Randolph spent the first however
many years of his NBA career acting like a grade-A asshole, and now he's a
total Dog Person. I love Zach Randolph. If there's hope for Zach Randolph to
find a little equilibrium in his life via rescuing and caring about dogs, there's hope for all of us. I mention
this because the Memphis Grizzlies are a chore to watch.
Kelly: you and your girlfriend have a
combined two cats. That is not a question. That's just a thing I know. You
could talk about that if you want, I guess.
KMC: We were so scared on the day when my GF first
brought her cat over to live here. We kept her cat and my cat in different
parts of the apartment, separated by a huge painting, and then they met and it
was no big deal. They hissed for like half a day and now they play like friends
and my cat, who’s older, has a renewed appreciation for life. It’s really nice
to experience.
New Orleans Pelicans
When they were the Hornets they always
had these sadly desperate regional publicity campaigns with slogans like
"Basketball: Hey, Maybe We Could Watch That, But No Biggie You Guys"
and "Do You Guys Even Know About The Hornets: Apparently They Play
Basketball In The City You Live In."
Now they're the "new look"
Pelicans, and they pulled a bunch of offseason roster moves, presumably so
they'd be a better team right away and basketball fans in NOLA would associate
the new name with a team that plays basketball well and sometimes even wins basketball games. I think this is
a good move, though most people who talk about basketball for a living say
they've forever ruined both their specific team and the general idea of having
a basketball team by giving up two first round picks for Jrue Holiday and
paying a bunch of money for Tyreke Evans.
People who talk about sports get so
crazy about being as good as possible in the long term and always
always trying to build towards a title. I think pundits do this because they're all secretly trying to position themselves as plausible executive suite candidates for an NBA team and the "your only goal is to win a championship" mentality sounds take-chargey. But almost no teams ever win a Championship.
Every year, only 3% of NBA teams win the NBA Championship. If you're trying to assess an organization's level of success, getting caught up in a binary yes/no with an outcome
that has only a 3% chance of happening is probably not the best way to live
your life. This is why the Lakers are so hilarious right now.
The Pelicans will be good this year.
They might not be great, but they will be watchably good. You're asking people
to pay you money in order to watch a team play basketball. Trotting out Greivis Vasquez (as
much as I like him), Xavier Henry, and a gift certificate that says "wait
until Nerlens Noel gets healthy" are not great ways to accomplish
that. The additions of Jrue Holiday and Tyreke Evans constitute progress. If you're trying to sell tickets and television broadcast rights to people who might want to watch other people play basketball, it helps to have a
team that will play as watchable of a version of basketball as possible. Let's not overthink this. "But they will be even MORE fun to watch later if we make sure they're TERRIBLE to watch right now" is not always sound reasoning.
And that, dear friends, is what it
sounds like when I put on my "sports pundit" helmet. It smells like
puke and panic sweat in this thing.
Kelly: what is the craziest thing you
can remember wearing as an actual "this is what I'm wearing right now
because I can't be naked" non-costume outfit?
KMC: Well I bought this pizza shirt to wear to my
work’s CMJ party last week and I thought it was gonna be this really cool “I’m
here to party” shirt, but everyone made fun of me. Maybe it’s because I’m
almost 40 years old. Whatever.
San Antonio Spurs
Oh man, here's another one. Sports
pundit people love to say that you're not a true fan of basketball unless you
enjoy watching the San Antonio Spurs. What do you get for being a "true
fan of basketball?" An antique hand-cranked penis-buffing machine, so you
can put your penis in there and crank away and moan about the efficiency of the
corner three and the importance of helping the helper as a series of cantilevered
wooden dowels brings you to a juttering climax?
I don't like the Spurs as much as I like
other teams because of Tim Duncan's ongoing war against the human personality,
Tony Parker's irritating Frenchness, Manu Ginobli's high-kneed and unflashy
style of driving to the hoop, and Tiago Splitter's inability to wear sunglasses
on the court at all times like he'd clearly prefer. I like them more than I
like some other teams because of Gregg Popovich's responses to sideline
reporters, Kawhi Leonard coming out of the closet as an openly great basketball
player, Danny Green being occasionally electric, Marco Bellinelli learning
defense in Chicago last year, and Matt Bonner being a funny dude. I am a
grownup and I am entitled to those opinions about the San Antonio Spurs. I'm
sorry if that means I'm not good enough at watching basketball for you.
And now I am going to eat something
because writing about basketball when I'm hungry turns me into one of those
guys who talks about sports like everything's an argument they need to win. If
I starved to death, my last words would probably be "But at the end of the
day..." and then a long final mouthy exhalation.
Kelly: what is your preferred shape for
a pretzel, because I think rings are seriously underrated, but at the end of
the day... hurrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
KMC: I just went into the kitchen to tell my GF that
she doesn’t need to worry about making me breakfast because she’s sick, and she
yelled “Get out of here! I already greased the pan!”
Denver Nuggets
Oh yeah, I forgot to add Danilo
Gallinari to my list of people who it sucks are hurt. I always think of this when I hear
"Gallinari." Galli (galli) Nari (nari). This song plays, and Danilo
is wearing a white silk scarf and climbing out of a 1989 Lamborghini, adjusting
his white linen jacket, and escorting a blonde into the nightclub from Scarface.
I have no idea if this is accurate to Gallinari's personality, but he is both
Italian and rich, so I figure there's at least a chance.
That is all I want to say about the
Denver Nuggets because I just ate pizza and don't need to wax philosophical
about George Karl, although if you don't follow Sexy George Karl on Twitter,
you're doing yourself a huge disservice.
Kelly: got anything to add?
KMC: Have you seen that picture of Kim Kardashian that
everyone was passing around on the internet a few days ago? It’s basically of
her in a closet or something showing her butt. I looked at the picture more
than five times. Kim and Kanye just got engaged and I have to wonder if he
finally decided to pop the question because of that picture. What kind of ring
would Kanye buy for someone? I wonder if he picked it out himself.
Minnesota Timberwolves
This might be in my top
eleven favorite YouTubes of all time. If you haven't clicked on any other links in this post, they're
probably just all that one
because it's the only thing in the world that ever needs to be linked to.
Hey Kelly, who is in your internal list
of top five best all time Montenegrin centers?
KMC: I need to find a better news channel. I watch
Channel 12 Brooklyn News in the morning, because it’s local news and seems like
it would be the best, but they repeat the same 15 minute packages over and over
and over and it’s mostly about dog shelters. I just wanna know who got shot on
my street while I was sleeping.
Oklahoma City Thunder
We can trade James Harden. Our fans read
the business page. They're savvy. They know about internal rate of
return and the marginal utility
curve. We'll be fine. We're doing great. Basketball is fun.
Right? Kelly?
KMC: What’s with “thunder sticks?” Do they still sell
those at games?
Portland Trail Blazers
I've never been to Portland. I feel like
I'd enjoy it the exact way that the comedy math works in the Sideshow Bob
stepping on rakes routine. Like how it's funny once, more funny twice, very
funny three times, less funny four times, dramatically unfunny five through
eight, then hysterical nine through thirteen, then you are turning off the TV
and going out to live your life if it goes any longer than that.
I feel like I want the Blazers to be
good because they're in a market that only has a basketball team and are the
only game in town and those people out there would love it. And the idea of
LaMarcus Aldridge dating Penny Marshall in that one episode of
"Portlandia" made me laugh on the inside of my brain the way
"Portlandia" does that more often than external laughing. I read
about how Aldridge wants to be traded and that makes me sad because it was so
funny, like funny odd, you know, "Portlandia" funny, that he dated
Penny Marshall. And what a shame it is that these enchanted people in this
enchanted place might lose a guy like that who's good at basketball and has a
sense of humor about himself.
Then I realize I don't know or care about
those people. They can do other Oregon things like surf on an ugly beach or go
hang out near a tree in the rain or murder a hitchhiker while singing about
their feelings with an electric guitar. Anyhow, the Blazers.
Kelly, you've spent time out there.
That's another thing I know.
KMC: The worst part about that is that my GF’s two
closest friends just moved to Portland and now she’s hinting that we should
move there. I’d rather die. I’m really campaigning for upstate New York. I saw
an ad for a two bedroom cabin overlooking the water in Woodstock for $1,500.
That would be like a dream. We’d have to buy a car though. I saw a van for sale
by the post office the other day for $2,800. That seems reasonable.
Utah Jazz
I watched a Jazz game last year where the
local broadcast team reminded people to tune in to the next game because Jimmer
Fredette was going to be in town. He probably played 12 minutes in that game as
a concession to the crowd. I feel like I learned a lot about the Jazz and Jazz
fans by seeing that. Come on out and see Jimmer. Not Paul Millsap or Al
Jefferson or even Gordon Hayward. Come see Jimmer Fredette not get any minutes
for the Sacramento Kings. Should be a good one.
I mean, I realize if you're in Utah and
the Sacramento Kings are coming to town, you use the Jimmer angle and you hope
it sticks because "guys who HATE basketball" isn't gonna cut it, but
still. I grew up in Maryland. The Wizards never billed a game as "the
return of Steve Blake," and it wouldn't work if they did. I have a feeling
the Jazz are going to wish Jimmer and the Kings were coming to town a lot more
often this year.
Kelly:
what's your go to dance floor filler. Wrong. It's Archie Bell and the Drells
"Tighten Up."
KMC: When I worked at VICE I was
constantly being asked to DJ at places and I was always like “I would never do
that.” Really it was because I didn’t want people to know that all I listen to
is Beyonce, Morrissey, and Sufjan Stevens.
And there you have it, folks. We talked about the entire NBA. It's 2013. Basketball is about to start. There's a dick on the sink. Enjoy.
Just FYI, you can follow us on Twitter at @TotalBozo if you're into that kind of a thing.
