By: Pete Johnson
I
am currently sitting on my couch in my underwear drinking a high life and
watching the snow fall. It is 12:53pm on a weekday, and I would just like to
say thank you to all the dumbfuck reactionary internet crazies who made this
happen.
I
grew up and live in the state of Maryland, in which internet crazies have been
unnecessarily canceling school and hoarding eggs and milk at every hint of snow
long before the internet. You sometimes had to wait as much as 90 seconds for
the ticker at the bottom of the local morning news screen to come back around
to your school district to tell you that those awesome pussies had called it
again today.
Sometimes
it was for just a dusting of snow. Other times it was for a little sprinkling
of freezing rain. They were so scared of freezing rain that a few times they
even closed school because it rained regular unfreezing rain that looked the
night before like it might turn into freezing rain through their
ohshitohshitohshit-colored-lense weather telescopes. Kids in towns that were
somehow equipped to handle their average annual snowfall had to trudge off
through actual feet of actual snow to get to fraction-learning town, but we got
to stay home and play the fart-on-you-on-the-couch game all day long because it
fucking RAINED.
Every
year the internet makes this headline bloating and snowpocalypse fear mongering
worse. Every year it gets better. Who doesn't enjoy a good laugh at all the
god-bless-em idiots that run quick to the grocery store to buy things they
don't need because they apparently forgot what happens when it snows? The
internet is inventing new terms like "polar vortex" which are on
purpose making them think that the thing from The Day After Tomorrow is going
to happen and wolves are going to escape from the Central Park Zoo and attack
them while they try to hide in a boat. Tomorrows forecast: freezing death with
a chance of wolf attack death, or, it's gonna be cold and maybe pretty snowy.
So,
my office closed early today. My office closes whenever the Circuit Court of
Montgomery County closes. My bosses probably chose this particular court
because they are no dummies and it is apparently the only establishment in
suburban DC that has any snowballs. Typically all the schools close, and every
other court in the area closes, but we still have to come to work. I hate it,
but it makes sense because there is work to be done and we are the ones who are
being paid to do it, and there is not actually anything stopping us from doing
it.
Everyone
else at my office is used to it. The world freaks out, it maybe does even snow
or ice a little bit, but you get up and you read the facebook posts about all
the assholes and their cats that got snow days and then you go to work. It gets
a lot easier once you realize that you have to every time no matter what the
internet says. It really is just snow, you guys.
Today
it is actually snowing a decent but plausibly workable amount, and even my don't-cold-on-me-and-tell-me-it's-wolfing
bosses had to give up and let us go home. I think they based this on a certain
unspoken equation where X equals the number of other places that closed, Y
equals the amount it is actually snowing/dangerous out there, and Z equals the
ah fuck it the bosses could use a day off too sometimes. Regardless of what
their thinking was, the reactionary internet dumbfucks out there had something
to do with it.
From
my spot on this couch on a work day, it looks like maybe the internet dumbfucks
got this one so right they are actually internet dumbfuck geniuses. I have to
think at some point there was a collective agreement that hey, if we all keep
talking about how bad it is going to be out there, maybe our bosses will let us
sit this one out. The internet death warnings get posted, the TV ratings soar,
and the news anchor tells you to go stock up on essentials because 'it looks
like the whole city will be shut down tomorrow' and then winks at you.
I'm
gonna go ahead and wink back at them, and then maybe take a nap. God bless the
system.
Pete Johnson is the brother of Total Bozo founder Ben Johnson. He has gross feet.
