By:
Kelly McClure and Ben Johnson
 |
| Bronchawks helmet design by John P. Glynn |
I have definitely
thought that the Superbowl was happening for the past four or five Sundays. I
knew that the Superbowl happened when it was cold, that it happened on a
Sunday, and that it happened sometime around now, going off of that, any time I
saw more than a handful of sports related Tweets in my Twitter feed the thought
“oh yeah, it must be that thing,” popped in my mind. But nope! It wasn’t then,
it’s happening now. This Sunday! Right?
The clearest and most
accurate Superbowl related memory I have is the random year in high school when
my Dad sat in his recliner in the living room watching the Superbowl and my
second GF ever, Jeannie, (who is now a man) and I lazed about in my room. My
Mom was nice enough to bring us in some hot peach cobbler with scoops of ice
cream on it, and the minute she left the room we used it for sex reasons. The
peach cobbler was way too hot still at the time of sex reasoning and I still
have a burn mark on my lower body. To me the Superbowl has always just meant
“snacks” and it still does.
My Co-Bozo Ben has
asked me to list off the five W’s of this year’s Superbowl off the top of my
head. I definitely had to look up what “five W’s” meant. Listen, it’s been a
while.
I’ll check in to verify accuracy from time to time. I can
neither confirm or deny peach cobbler burn scars on Kelly’s lower body area. I
can neither confirm nor deny that Kelly even has a lower body area. We don’t
have that kind of a relationship. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to capitalize
both words, “Super Bowl,” but we can go with “Superbowl” for narrative
purposes. Other than that, we’re good to go. -Ben
WHO:
Fairly certain that
in this year’s game the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Stormtroopers will be
competing against one another. I believe that the Denver team’s outfits revolve
around the color yellow, and the Seattle team’s outfits revolve around the
color blue. The game will be sponsored by Stumptown and Beyonce will NOT be performing.
Since Beyonce won’t be performing, I can’t even imagine who’s doing the
halftime show this year. It’s probably like Waka Flocka joined by Bruce
Springsteen or something.
I think we’re as close as we need to be on the team names
and colors. The halftime show this year is Bruno Mars, with the always possible
surprise guest appearances by Waka Flocka and Bruce Springsteen.
WHAT:
Definitely the
Superbowl. Which is football.
Yes.
WHEN:
Definitely this
Sunday, and not all the other Sundays I thought it was. I believe the game
starts around 3pm and lasts until 11pm.
The game itself supposedly starts at 6:25pm EST. Kelly’s
timing of the events is more accurate. The hullabaloo begins… actually it has
been happening for over a week now. The commencement and completion of the game
itself within the context of all the noise and hype surrounding it is not as
definite and there is not as sharp a contrast between game and not game as
there is with other football games. Instead the excitement rises to a certain
point, and then there is definitely a game happening, and then there’s some
confetti, and gradually the hype recedes to a non-Super Bowl level, and that’s
how you know the Super Bowl isn’t happening anymore. It’s like a female orgasm.
WHERE:
It seems like this
shouldn’t be true, but I do believe the Superbowl is taking place in New Jersey
this year, which makes ZERO sense. I’m already worried about how this is for
sure going to mess up the trains somehow, which is annoying because we’re going
to a thing called Then She Fell on Sunday, which is an interactive Alice in
Wonderland experience.
She’s right. The Super Bowl is happening in New Jersey
and it makes ZERO sense. My guess is that going outside to go to a weird thing
that is not the Super Bowl will be a pleasant experience, since many of the
type of people who would usually lend an air of menace to New York’s ambiance
will be busy watching the game. But that’s an educated guess. The trains are
going to be fucked up, but that’s just because it’s Sunday and because Kelly
lives in Brooklyn.
WHY:
For reasons very
similar to those that caused the British Government to feed their young
soldiers acid in 1963. Mind
control. Also because of commercials.
And to allow spies and terrorists a nice block of time to do shady shit while
we’re all sitting on the couch watching fat men play grab ass.
I think of it as a kind of seismic-event national
celebration of the end of football season, where all the stupid and shitty but
also great aspects of football and the production of football as a product get
arbitrarily and obligatorily cranked up way past the pain threshold, and the
citizenry responds by similarly cranking up their gluttony and sloth and
avarice and lust and wrath and pride and envy, and we end up with this big day
of ridiculous cartoonish football-esque exaggerations permeating our entire
society, so that even the least interested among us end up with peach cobbler
burns on their crotches.
Follow us on Twitter at @totalbozo.
