I’m no basketball expert. I know the basics
of playing basketball, like make the ball go through the hoop thing when it’s
your team’s turn and stop that from happening when the other guys have it. I’ve
watched a lot of other guys play basketball. Some guys are so good at
basketball they get paid money to play because enough people saw them be so
good at it basketball it was like “man, you are so good at playing basketball,
I would pay MONEY to watch you play basketball.” And that’s why there’s such a
thing as the NBA basketball league.
Tonight the teams in the NBA basketball
league are going to decide who’s good enough at basketball to be on a NBA team
that pays people to be good at basketball for a living. It’s called a draft.
People sure are talking about it. I sure am talking about it right now, even.
Some of the talking people are writing up lists of what they think is going to
happen, or what they think should happen, or just things that might conceivably
happen, in the NBA draft tonight. Nobody knows what’s going to happen, but it’s
fun to talk about it. A list of things that might happen in the NBA draft is
called a “mock draft.”
Here is a mock draft I made! The Official
Total Bozo Magazine 2014 NBA Mock Draft! I hope you enjoy it.
PICK 1:
The Cleveland Cavaliers Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: I don’t
know! I’m so excited!
What I would like to happen: I would like it
if the Cavaliers would get their acts together and start being a better
basketball team. They’ve been not very good at basketball for a long time, in a
relative sense, like relative to the other people who are also so good at
basketball that people are willing to pay money to see them play it, and also
they’ve only been relatively bad since that one good player LeBron James left
their team four years ago. Back then people were always talking about
“Cleveland Cavaliers Cleveland Cavaliers.” Since then, after four years of
being not very good at basketball, they keep on getting more and more chances
to pick good basketball players in the NBA draft. Bad teams qualify for a
chance to get the first pick in the NBA Draft. This is the third time in the
last four years that the Cavaliers have had the top NBA Draft pick. So even
though they haven’t had LeBron James on their team for four years, people are
still saying “Cleveland Cavaliers Cleveland Cavaliers” all the time for four
straight years. That’s too much. They need to stop being so bad at basketball.
PICK 2:
The Milwaukee Bucks Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Gosh I have
no idea.
What I would like to happen: I like the idea
of the Milwaukee Bucks because I live in Chicago and Milwaukee is only like an
hour’s drive away from Chicago, and it is cheaper to get tickets to a Milwaukee
Bucks game than it is to get tickets to a Chicago Bulls game. But I have never
been to a Milwaukee Bucks game anyway. The Milwaukee Bucks are not very good,
and also they don’t have a guy on their team that makes people go “no matter
what before I die I should see this guy play basketball, like not on TV, like
with my own eyes.” I would like it if that happened to them, and I would like
it if I could convince anybody to drive up to Milwaukee with me to see the Bucks
play. One time I went up there to see a Milwaukee Brewers baseball game, and a
man sitting near me in the bleachers barfed into his own hat.
PICK 3:
The Philadelphia 76ers Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Some kind of
a crazy thing, I guess?
What I would like to happen: The 76ers were
bad at basketball on purpose this last year. I like the idea of an NBA team
being bad at basketball on purpose. It turns out is a lot easier to be bad at
basketball on purpose than it is to be good at basketball on purpose. I can be
bad at basketball on purpose. I would like the 76ers to pick ME! I would be
terrible!
PICK 4:
The Orlando Magic Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: No idea.
What I would like to happen: I don’t like it
when team names have weird noun forms. Like when the Orlando Magic select a
player, that player is “a Magic.” People should not be referred to as “a Magic” unless there
becomes such a thing as a kind of person or thing that is called “a Magic.” Also,
the Orlando basketball players collectively are not “Magics,” they’re “the
Magic.” A group of people should not be “the Magic” unless they’re the only
source of magic in the world. I would like for the Orlando Magic to draft
somebody who has actual magic powers, and I would like that person to teach
their magic powers to the rest of the team. That way the team’s name would make
sense. They could also change their name to The Orlando Magicians or The
Orlando Magicalmen.
PICK 5:
The Utah Jazz Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Utah
Jazz are definitely going to select a basketball player.
What I would like to happen: I like that the
Utah Jazz are called “Jazz” and they’re located in Utah and have pictures of
mountains on their logo. Even though “Jazz” is a weird noun form for a team
name, everything else about it makes so little sense that I don’t even mind.
It’s like the team’s existence makes the word “Jazz” mean an extra thing, in
this case “a type of music of
black American origin characterized by improvisation, syncopation, and usually
a regular or forceful rhythm, emerging at the beginning of the 20th century,”
AND “NBA basketball teams in Salt Lake City, Utah with mountains in their
logos.” I would like for the Utah Jazz to select a jazz musician, and I would
like for that jazz musician to play a loud jazz riff on the saxophone anytime a
Jazz player makes a dunk shot, because that would make opponents feel as if
they’d just been DOUBLE JAZZED.
PICK 6:
The Boston Celtics Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Celtics
will pick somebody who’s taller than me.
What I would like to happen: Maybe if the
Celtics decided “No thank you, we’re just going to take the year off and think
about our lives” it would provide some much needed perspective.
PICK 7:
The Los Angeles Lakers Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Lakers
will select a basketball player whose professional life will somehow be made
miserable by Kobe Bryant.
What I would like to happen: Longtime Lakers
shooting guard Kobe Bryant is way too intense about playing basketball. He
plays basketball with broken fingers and with a plastic mask on his face. He
does all kinds of crazy things to his body to recover from a torn Achilles
tendon in order to play basketball again as soon as possible. Kobe Bryant often
yells at people on the basketball court for not being as good at basketball as
Kobe Bryant. Even though he is very good at basketball, Kobe Bryant seems upset
most of the time about basketball. I would like Kobe Bryant to find inner peace
and not get so upset about basketball things.
PICK 8:
The Sacramento Kings Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: the
Sacramento Kings are going to flip a coin and then decide to do something.
What I would like to happen: I would like the
Sacramento Kings to allow their 5’9” tall point guard Isaiah Thomas, who is a
restricted free agent, to sign a contract to play with a different NBA
basketball team, and I would like the Sacramento Kings to draft 5’6” tall point
guard Aquille Carr.
The Sacramento Kings employ a lot of very smart-seeming
guys. I would like for those smart-seeming guys to come to the unanimous
conclusion that hiring the shortest possible point guard is the best possible
idea, and I would like the Sacramento Kings to listen to this suggestion, and I
would like for everybody involved to be totally incorrect about it being a good
way to win basketball games. But I also would like for that to not matter,
because I would like Aquille Carr to be the most entertaining NBA basketball
player in the history of the world even while the Kings lose every game because
he’s 5’6” tall and that is not tall enough, come on. If an NBA team could lose
every game and have people still want to watch all of the games because the
reason the team is losing is they have a 5’6” point guard who dribbles like a
maniac but can’t guard anybody, that would be a good basketball thing to do.
The Kings should do that. They’re in Sacramento. It would be good for
Sacramento tourism.
PICK 9:
The Charlotte Hornets Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Hornets
are going to make a “splash” by selecting a basketball player!
What I would like to happen: The Hornets used
to be the Bobcats. They should select an actual basketball-playing bobcat, or a
basketball player named “John Bobcat” or even Bobcat Goldthwait! Then they
could be the Hornets AND the Bobcats at the same time, which would ease the
name transition.
PICK
10: The Philadelphia 76ers Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: If they
still have this pick without having traded it away, the 76ers are going to
select a SECOND basketball player even though they already selected one!
What I would like to happen: Since the 76ers
are all about being bad on purpose and “compiling assets,” they should trade
this pick for four more second round picks, giving them a total of nine picks
in the second round of the NBA draft. Then with those second round picks they
should draft babies dressed as basketball players who may or may not end up
being professional basketball players when they grow up. Here’s the thing: they
can pay those babies NOTHING because babies do not understand the concept of
money yet. That way those babies would be “assets” to the 76ers because even if
the babies didn’t turn out to be basketball players, the 76ers could still
trade the “baby rights” to the future basketball careers of any of the nine
babies they drafted in the second round, and if they are wise with the picks
and employ a good data-based baby-scouting department, the 76ers could end up
with an amazing and very cheap basketball team in the year 2038.
PICK
11: The Denver Nuggets Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: the Nuggets
will pick somebody who will not help them be good enough to win the NBA
Championship next year.
What I would like to happen: It is so sad,
but the Nuggets are not going to win the NBA Championship next year. I would
like the Denver Nuggets to have the courage to cry in public about how sad they
are about this. I would like them to be friends with each other, and hug often,
and say things to each other like “It’s okay with me that you don’t really know
how to play basketball even though you seem like you’d be very good at it,
JaVale, because I have accepted I’m not going to win the NBA Championship this
year, and the important thing is I want you to know that I love you and I
accept you for who you are.” The Nuggets could turn their whole team identity
around if they focused more on teamwide empathy. That way in a few years, very
good basketball players would say “I want to play for the Denver Nuggets, those
guys seem like they have created a very supportive and nurturing work
environment.” Then the Nuggets would GET GOOD.
PICK
12: The Orlando Magic Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Oh by the
way I think there will be some trades by now, maybe. Like I think by now
everything will be very different than what this list of picks is saying.
Maybe.
What I would like to happen: If Orlando used
their first pick on a person with magical powers, they should use their second
on a hype man for the magical powers person. Like the first magical person
would do something magical, like with magic, and the second person would go
“Yeahhhh boyyyyyyy” like Flavor Flav. Or: because it is Flavor Flav. One time
my girlfriend thought she saw Flavor Flav in a Starbucks. I didn’t even bother
to look at the guy she thought might have been Flavor Flav, because the Flavor
Flav I prefer to have and hold in my imagination doesn’t go to a Starbucks
unless that Starbucks is on the moon (where my imaginary version of Flavor Flav
is from originally). My girlfriend got mad at me for not even looking, but I am
grown man who makes his own choices, and I cherish my fantasy that Flavor Flav
is a wise man from the moon. The Orlando Magic should draft him.
PICK 13:
The Minnesota Timberwolves Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Oh man. I do
NOT care.
What I would like to happen: “Timberwolves”
is a cool name. “Wolves” is like, okay, whatever, you’re basically a bunch of mean
opportunistic wild dogs who sleep in a pile together, but “Timberwolves” is
like “whoa dude, maybe those wolves can climb trees!” If a wolf could climb a
tree, that would be a terrifying animal. You’d be like “Oh no a wolf! WAIT DOUBLE
OH NO IT’S A TIMBERWOLF! Where am I going to hide NOW?” Conceptually, a
Timberwolf is even scarier than Firewolfs or Knifewolfs or Swimwolfs. Imagine a
wolf jumping from tree to tree through a moonlit forest, then jumping on you
and biting you in the throat. But the basketball team isn’t really capitalizing
on that terrifying imagery. They should draft George R.R. Martin to write a
book for them about Timberwolves, and then that way their point guard Ricky
Rubio would read that book and understand the lesson of that book, which in his
case is “Oh, I get it now, I would be much more terrifying if I could pass the
ball AND shoot the ball! It would be, in a basketball sense, like if a wolf
could also climb a tree!”
PICK 14:
The Phoenix Suns Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Basketball
guy.
What I would like to happen: Basketball guy.
PICK 15:
The Atlanta Hawks Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: I think the
Atlanta Hawks are probably going to do a good job.
What I would like to happen: The stands in
Atlanta are notoriously
empty for Atlanta Hawks games. I think they should draft a basketball playing
dog, so the one bored fan in the stands can go “huh?” and do an elaborate double take where he checks his glasses. And then when it turns out that there’s nothing in the NBA rulebook that says a dog can’t play on an NBA team, the rag tag Atlanta Hawks would, through a series of improbably dog-based victories, become the hottest ticket in town, and one Atlanta Hawks player would eventually learn to believe in himself, win or lose, even though his parents are divorced.
PICK 16:
The Chicago Bulls Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Somebody
will say “the Bulls need outside shooting.”
What I would like to happen: The Bulls need
outside shooting. The Bulls need outside shooting. Outside shooting. Shooting
outside. Outdoor shooting. Outdoors, shooting. The Bulls should take a trip to
Cabela’s together, and then go camping, and learn about life.
PICK 17:
The Boston Celtics Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The other people
on the broadcast will reluctantly let
Bill Simmons talk when it’s time for the Celtics to do something, because
he is the Executive Vice President of ESPN in charge of liking the Celtics.
What I would like to happen: If the Celtics
decided to take the year off, like as mentioned above, Bill Simmons would have
to spend these 9 minutes saying, “You’re gonna take a year off from being the
Celtics? I’m sorry but I don’t get it. I thought they were trying to get Joel
Embiid all year, all of a sudden it’s take a year off? This is a perfect
example of the kind of bad thing I always imagine is happening to me! I am
gaining zero sense of perspective from this!”
PICK 18:
The Phoenix Suns Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Basketball
guy.
What I would like to happen: Phoenix, Arizona
basketball guy.
PICK 19:
The Chicago Bulls Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Somebody will
say “the Bulls need a backup point guard.”
What I would like to happen: I would like
Derrick Rose to play every minute of every game in this upcoming year, and for
the Bulls to therefore actually not need a backup point guard.
PICK 20:
The Toronto Raptors Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: BOLD
PREDICTION: they will draft a human man.
What I would like to happen: For the 2014
Toronto Raptors draft pick to walk up to the stage and shake Adam Silver’s hand
and then grab the mic from the podium and yell “I AM A HUMAN MAN.”
PICK 21:
The Oklahoma City Thunder Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Oklahoma
City Thunder will either pick a guy from a non-American country OR a country
that is America.
What I would like to happen: I would like an
Oklahoma City Thunder fan to go to the Barclays Center in Brooklyn where the
draft is happening and wear a Thor costume with a Kevin Durant jersey over it,
and explain “Norse God of Thunder, get it? GO THUNDER!” to people who did not
even ask. I would like this person to lack self-awareness to such a degree that
he ends up having a great time and making what he imagines are several lifelong
friends. I would also like to see pictures of this person posing next to
various New York City tourist attractions while wearing a Thor costume and an
insane grin. I would like for this person to be a bankruptcy attorney whose
wife owns a successful closet-arrangement business in the greater Oklahoma City
area. I would like for him to have a good life. I would like for that to be his
real hair.
PICK 22:
The Memphis Grizzlies Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: the
Grizzlies are going to draft some kind of brutally efficient workmanlike basketball
player who can’t run or jump because they are the Grizzlies.
What I would like to happen: I would like for
the Grizzlies to draft Kyle Anderson out of UCLA because he is a brutally
efficient workmanlike basketball player who can’t run or jump. That would be
very Grizzlieslike and would fill me with the satisfaction of having made an
accurate prediction.
PICK 23:
The Utah Jazz Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Nobody will
say “Jeez Louise Man, they’re still picking basketball guys!”
What I would like to happen: I would like for
somebody, possibly a voice from the control room, or Jalen Rose unaware his mic
has been brought up as the draft broadcast comes in out of a commercial break,
to say “Jeez Louise Man, they’re still picking basketball guys!” and prove me
WRONG about my above prediction. Then, immediately following that, I would like
for the first Jazz pick, the jazz saxophonist, to show up in my living room and
Careless Whisper prank
me.
PICK 24:
The Charlotte Hornets Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: On the off
chance that there is not a single trade which affects the pick order of the
first round of the NBA Draft, I would like to predict that here so I have my
bases covered. I predict there will be no trades and the draft will move in
exact lockstep with the draft order as delineated by this and all other mock
drafts.
What I would like to happen: I would like for
there to be so many trades that the NBA ends up not even being a recognizable entity
anymore. Like a few draft picks could get traded back and forth from team to
team, and then, blockbuster, the league could trade basketball for tennis and
two handballs (team handball and regular handball), then flip the lesser of the
two handballs for the rights to Earth’s gravity, trade down for Mars’s gravity
and the concept of wistfulness, and sign fish tacos off the waiver wire to be
the face of the franchise for the expansion Knoxville Sugar Helmets, who play an
uptempo west coast offense with leaping ability.
PICK 25:
The Houston Rockets Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Rockets
will draft responsibly.
What I would like to happen: I would like for
the Rockets to draft a fifteen inch tall basketball player who Dwight Howard
could fling towards the basket if it looks like a shot is going to miss. That
would be the ultimate advantage.
PICK 26:
The Miami Heat Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: I think the
Heat are going to be different next year than they were this year.
What I would like to happen: I would like for
the Heat to be the exact same as they were this last year, except LeBron James
starts smoking cigarettes on the court and is still just as good. That would be
the most incredible basketball accomplishment of all time! From then on
whenever a player was incredible, people would say “Yeah, he’s great, but did
he smoke cigarettes like LeBron?” I bet if LeBron insisted he’d only come back
to play on the Miami Heat if they let him smoke cigarettes while playing, they
would find a way to let him smoke cigarettes. That would be CRAZY.
PICK 27:
The Phoenix Suns Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: Basketball
guy. Phoenix, Arizona basketball guy.
What I would like to happen: If the Suns
picked a guy named “Basketball Guy” and Adam Silver said, “with the 27th
pick in the 2014 NBA Draft the Phoenix Suns select… Basketball… Guy.” And then
Jay Bilas said something like “Basketball Guy has outstanding length for his
position…”
PICK 28:
The Los Angeles Clippers Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The LA
Clippers will pick somebody.
What I would like to happen: I would like it
if the Clipper selected Donald Sterling’s mistress to show the world that
Sterlinggate was an inside job just like Benghazi and World War II. In such a
scenario, I would be an unreliable narrator used for satirical purposes.
PICK 29:
The Oklahoma City Thunder Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: The Thunder
will select somebody who’s better than other people at basketball.
What I would like to happen: I would like it
if Stu Scott interviewed Thor guy about this draft pick and then Thor guy used
the time to earnestly tell Stu Scott that he knows he’s battling and that he’s
rooting for Stu Scott, and that Stu Scott’s battle has been an inspiration.
Then he shook Stu Scott’s hand and the two men hugged and said “thank you” to
each other while holding back tears. That would be a great moment. I am not
being ironic, I would actually like to see that happen.
PICK 30:
The San Antonio Spurs Basketball Team
What I think is going to happen: the Spurs
will draft a nice man.
What I would like to happen: I would like the
entire Spurs team show up to the draft to meet their newest player, and I would
like for them to all be excited together about still being the Spurs. I would
like for all the Spurs to sleep together in one great big long bed like a
cartoon of the seven dwarfs, and when it’s time to go to sleep Coach Pop closes
up the storybook, kisses Tim Duncan on the forehead and says “goodnight Tim,”
and Tim Duncan says “goodnight Coach Pop” and then turns and says “goodnight
Tony,” and on down the line “goodnight Manu,” and “goodnight Kawhi” and “goodnight
Boris” and “goodnight Tiago” “goodnight Danny” “goodnight Patty” “g’night Marco”
“goodnight Matt”… FOREVER.
SECOND
ROUND
What I think is going to happen: A bunch more
basketball players will be selected.
What I would like to happen: The 76ers trade
their nine player baby rights to the Sacramento Kings for Aquille Carr in a
baby costume.
AND THAT’S EXACTLY EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING
TO HAPPEN TONIGHT.
Officially.
Thanks.
