By: Ben Seeder
Imagine yourself crushing the skulls of your enemies. Imagine
yourself finally feeling good about being able to look people in the eye again.
Envision yourself climbing to the top of a genuine corporate ladder, but one
constructed from the marrow of promise and opportunity. Be honest, you were
never meant for non-greatness. You were born to live life in the fun
department. You were put here to command men so why not achieve maximum growth
potential through new media platforms and evolving digital landscapes? The time
is now.
Let’s be serious for five minutes: anyone who is not you is a
fucking coward. They’re non-citizens in the corporate community and forever
will be because they don’t have the horse sense for regional growth, let alone
global expansion. They’ll never bathe in the golden sunlight of corporate
pleasure. Everybody knows it. Everybody talks about it. It’s all going digital.
Everything’s going digital, and you’re on the ground floor. Pretty soon, there
won’t even be anymore TV shows, everybody knows that. Why not choose to blast
off on a rocket ride for Mars? It is honestly that simple.
It will start like this: We establish a strong, loyal grassroots
clientele that cements a foundation of trust and results. A generous base
salary to begin, with handsome steak benefits awarded to top performers. Once
you establish a healthy regional leadership presence, diversification is sure
to follow, that’s no secret. From there, we capitalize off digital inclinations
and internet tendencies. Interest rates will compound and you’ll notice the
corporate playing field will begin to level off. Be warned, your life will
begin to change. Strangers will come out of the woodwork. People will want a
piece of you. I suggest you crush them. You’re in the big leagues now and
people are talking. Here’s the good news: they were never really your friends
and they’ve been out to destroy you since day one.
Do not be rattled by your family’s surprise at your new identity.
They will want to touch your hair, your jewelry. They will compliment your car.
They are entirely ignorant to promising business ventures. They will never ride
in company jets. They will never eat fresh lobster. They wear carpal tunnel
gloves. You’re PF Chang and they’re Panda Express. They hook up with each other
at Señor Frogs and you’ll be dating reality stars in helicopters. Let them
talk, they’re not long for the bone orchard. Your success will lie in the
execution of vital tasks with the ability to correctly identify vital market
patterns and trends. In this idyllic financial paradise, you’ll forget you’re
not backstage at Max’s Kansas City partying balls with Justin Beaver.
Doubts and second guesses will become a thing of the past. Push
these strange and unhelpful feelings to the bottom and never look back. Leave
your friends and their Y2K mentalities behind and when you run into them
pretend you don’t know them. You play to win, and they will tell their
grandchildren with awe and wonder about the day you decided to crush them. Hard
work conquers all, just kidding, it’s all about connections baby; are you an
idiot? We’ll be eating rare premium-cut steak with everyone who counts, that’s
a motherfucking promise.
Once you have maximized grassroots brand loyalty you will expand
outward like the Russian Empire, easily acquiring essential and lucrative
markets like the Pacific Northwest, etc. The competitors are raising their
eyebrows? People say you’re moving too fast? People say you’re not technically
qualified for a corporate leadership position? People say you want the world
and want it yesterday? Who are these clowns? Let me at them. The blood will be
everywhere and I won’t stop till I get enough. I say we act like The Undertaker
and Tombstone them all straight to Hell. You close a deal? We’re at Chipotle in
fifteen minutes eating American beef tubes, I don’t give a shit.
All the while market research will identify and isolate preferred
clientele. Some clients will prove unreasonable and you will quickly and
concisely wash your hands of them and the whole reeking business. Sadly, it’s
unavoidable and it is the price of increasing corporate visibility in the new
digital marketplace. We will massage social media relationships without
exploiting internet tendencies. Are you ready to be part of a sleek, new brand
that screams “sex” without needing to go online for it? Are you ready for an
upwardly mobile position with real earning potential? Clandestine growth
opportunities in major markets await you.
Clowns. Charlatans. Imposters. These are the three demons you must
slay to maximize market growth potential. “It’s about the friendships you make
on the way up.” You know who said that? Me neither, but I heard he died broke
and alone. As an upstanding corporate citizen in charge of his own destiny,
your destruction will be plotted with regularity. I implore you to obliterate
the competition, to leave them dead and bloodied at the bottom of some
forgotten sinkhole business park office in Boca Raton, wondering what happened,
effectively ending their life in a manner as dark and as final as possible. Ingratiate
yourself towards key market real estate possessors. Play tennis with them and
firmly establish yourself as a leader in digital advancement. Unloyal
connections must be severed instantly and negative rumors about the party in
question are encouraged.
You know how to perform. You know how to win. You know how to
command a room of prospective buyers and deliver. One look at you, and I said
to myself “Who’s this confident champion capable of competing outside his
paygrade?” Not everyone can handle total domination. The truth is, some walls
need wallpaper. What does that mean? I don’t even know what it means, but you
know what I mean.
So I guess what I’m saying is come fly with me. The time is now and I don’t talk like this to everyone. Once I get your bank account and routing numbers we can complete the application and get started. You’re going to kill, I promise.
