By: Ben
Johnson
 |
| This is what happens when you let them stay up through nap time. |
My friend Kelly McClure is a music publicist,
which is a profession that involves creating and inhabiting a world of
information that is nominally about music but which, unlike music, might
actually get people paid. I like my friend Kelly. She’s one of my best friends.
She’s funny and she’s neurotic in all the best ways, and she appears to like me
even though I, as a human, am basically repulsive.
One of the things she’s been made aware of from
swimming in her music information world, which very much is not the same as a “real”
world that people actually live in, is this thing that’s happening between Mark
Kozelek and Pitchfork.com. Apparently, Kozelek has been a “lightning rod”
for “controversy,” and he called some audience people rednecks, and then he improvised
a very sexist song about Pitchfork contributing editor Laura Snapes, and
apparently Pitchfork changed their review of his recent album from “I [Ian
Cohen] like it (?)” to “I [Mark Richardson] don’t like it,” and Ian Cohen was
also the guy who wrote that one album review that said “people who work in
factories for a living are sad and depressing” (I’m paraphrasing; there’s only
so much research I’m willing to do about this) in it, which aggravated a whole
lot of people who definitely do not work in a factory.
Kelly wanted to know my opinion about all of this,
and I can’t imagine how another opinion could be helpful, other than to
theorize that maybe Kelly’s afraid of finally going completely and totally
insane, and just would like a tether to reality from the group of all people
who do not and will not ever give a shit about this kind of a thing. I already
feel bad about mentioning all of these people’s names, because that is
publicity, and that is a vote of confidence, and that is cultural capital, and
that is what keeps the whole ugly machine running. Which, actually, is good for
Kelly in a professional sense.
How about I’ll just give out grades to all the
parties involved on a scale of 1 to 10, like Pitchfork?
Mark
Kozelek: 7.4
First of all, it should be mentioned that Mark
Kozelek’s music is boring. Like intentionally. I have never listened to
anything he’s ever done and had a thought other than “my life will be better
when I’m no longer listening to this.” Maybe you like that kind of music,
though. I don’t know. Maybe you’re having a depressive episode. Almost definitely
you are white, and very likely you could benefit from getting laid and/or going
down a damn water slide or otherwise doing something that’s fun. So as far as I’m
concerned, all of this guy’s music is just not for me.
I don’t regard this as a moral failing of Mark
Kozelek’s, though, it’s just background for what kinds of thoughts I have
whenever somebody tells me something about what he’s up to. It’s like hearing
news about a new kind of boat that is extra fast, or looking at a picture on
Facebook of some distant acquaintance’s kid holding a sign that says “first day
of toddler school.” Thanks for the information that doesn’t apply to me, this
was a good but unnecessary reminder that fast boats and strange children in
toddler school are things which exist in the world.
The reason why I’m giving this dude a 7.4 even
though he makes boring music for boring people to read magazines to in their
boring houses, is he called those people rednecks for not shutting up at his
show, and he appears to be a generally obnoxious, unlikable person who takes
himself way too seriously, and apparently has no shame about it, because he’s
the guy from Red House Painters, you know, that band, Red House Painters? That
is a good archetype for entertainment purposes. He’s like every character on
Veep, except for music, and except also a real person. As much as I’d like to
be “socially responsible” and “chastise” him for being “problematic,” laughing
at the dude is probably a better way to deal with the situation. He’s the guy
from Red
Fucking House Painters.
Laura
Snapes: 9.1
I don’t know anything about Laura Snapes. She
appears to be just doing her job. Good job doing your job, Laura Snapes. I hope
that sexist song that this giant fucking baby Mark Kozelek sang about you didn’t
bum you out too much. And if it did, I hope you benefit from the commensurate
uptick in visibility with a book deal or something that makes you feel
good an amount that supersedes the amount you got bummed out.
Ian
Cohen: 0.0
It’s super fun to give Ian Cohen a 0.0 rating
whenever the opportunity strikes. I recommend it.
Mark
Richardson: 8.7
I didn’t actually read his review of the most
recent Sun Kil Moon album because I could not care less, but Mark Richardson
gets high praise from me for stepping in there when there was an opening,
writing whatever reactionary horseshit Pitchfork wanted, and getting a damn
check for a review about an album that Pitchfork already had a review for.
Whether Pitchfork already paid Ian Cohen for his review, or if they decided not
to pay Ian Cohen, both are awesome. Keep getting those checks, Mark Richardson.
It’s all a big stupid circus anyway.
Pitchfork:
10.0
I think your website is fantastic, and you
should definitely be responsive to Kelly McClure’s pitches, because she’s
repping some really good bands. I hope I'm using all the right terminology. You people are all weirdos.
