A PLAY BY PETE JOHNSON
Act One, Scene One: An
elevator-sized box descends slowly from above the stage, inside are two men.
One is wearing a backpack and holding a cooler, the other is dressed in a suit.
Just before it reaches the stage, it halts jerkily, and a loud fire alarm sounds.
Pete immediately presses an imaginary call button, before David has the chance
to react to the alarm. There is the sound of a phone ringing once, which
is interrupted by someone picking up.
Scratchy voice of fire alarm attendant: Hello,
emergency response system. What seems to be the problem?
Pete: (Yelling over alarm) Hello?
Attendant: Hello sir, I can hear you. What is
your situation?
Pete: Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm in an
elevator with another gentleman, and it just stopped for no reason. It seems
like we're stuck. We're at 1883 Vermont street, and I think this might be the
only elevator.
Attendant: OK sir, please remain calm. Is
everyone OK? How many people are in the elevator?
Pete: It's just me and one other guy. We're
fine, we just wanna get outta here. Can you send help?
Attendant: Well I'm glad there are no medical
emergencies. I can see your location on my screen, and I have dispatched the
local fire department to your location.
Pete: Ok great! Can you-
David: (Also yelling, interrupting) How
long do you think it will be?
Attendant: I can't say for sure sir, but
according to my read outs there is not another emergency in the area, and we
should have this taken care of shortly. Is there anyone you would like us to
contact on your behalf?
Pete: Can you turn this fucking alarm off?
Shit, I'm sorry for swearing, but fuck is this annoying.
Alarm immediately
turns off
Pete: Thanks! I don't need you to contact
anyone for me just yet, how about you sir?
David: Umm, I think I'm OK. Just please get
here soon, sir.
Attendant: Sure thing boss, we'll have you
outta there in no time. Hit the call button again if you need anything.
Audible bong hit
Attendant: Have fun dudes!
We hear the Attendant
hang up. David and Pete look at each other, then around, then back at each
other.
Pete: Well, looks like we're gonna be stuck
here for a little bit.
David: Did that guy just rip a bong?
Pete: Hey listen, I'm not gonna get weird here
or anything, but aren't you David Byrne from The Talking Heads?
David: Fucking Christ.
Lights down
Act One, Scene Two:
Pete is seated on his cooler, David is sitting on the floor in the opposite
corner of the elevator, his tie loosened.
Pete: This is nuts. I can't believe this is
actually happening.
David Byrne: What's happening, Pete?
Pete gets up and
reaches into the cooler, fishes out two cans of beer and hands one to David
Byrne. Pete opens his and takes a healthy swig.
Pete: Well, this is weird, and again I don't
want to freak you out or anything, but I just recently stumbled upon Stop
Making Sense. I fucking love it. I love you, man.
David Byrne: Still holding his unopened beer,
looking at Pete. Thanks, Pete. For the beer. I'm glad you liked the show. He
opens his beer. Heh, I'm sure glad you happened to have this cooler.
Pete: And now I'm stuck in an elevator, having
a beer with David fucking Byrne! I seriously must have watched that concert
like 50 times over the last month alone. I love it so much. Every song is such
a banger.
David Byrne: Thanks man.
David Byrne stands up
and presses the call button. It rings 4 times before the attendant picks up
Attendant: Hello, Tom Jacobso- oh shit, um,
emergency response, how can I help you?
David Byrne: Hello? I was just wondering if
you know how long we'll be stuck in here. I was actually on my way to see-
Pete: Interrupting Yeah! How
long until we're outta here, SIR?
Attendant: Coughs Oh yeah
there was like, another emergency in the area. Some babies died. Gonna be a
while.
The attendant hangs
up.
David Byrne: What the fuck?
Pete: Guess we better get comfortable.
Pete opens another
beer
David Byrne: What the fuck is happening right
now?
Lights out
Act One, Scene Three:
David is now seated on Pete's cooler, and Pete is sitting where David was, in
the corner. There are 3 empty beer cans at each man's feet. Both are holding
beers. As the lights come up, David Byrne is handing Pete a lit joint. There is
smoke collecting at the top of the elevator.
Pete takes two hits
from the joint, then hands it back to David Byrne. He unzips his backpack, and
while he is talking, takes out a bag of tortilla chips, 3 avocados, a cutting
board, a knife, a bowl, a tomato, a lime, and an onion.
Pete: So I gotta ask man, was your keyboard
player high on something? He looked totally dazed, but of course he nailed
every note. God, that show was so good. I would seriously give my left nut to
have been there. And why did you have the camera on him when the drums kick in
on Burning Down the House? The best dance break of the whole movie, and the
camera is on this guy who looks like he barely knows where he is. So funny.
By the time he is done
talking, all of the items from the backpack are sitting, ready, on the floor.
David Byrne: Dude, who ARE you?
Lights out
Act One, Scene Four:
There are now 5 empty beer cans in each corner of the elevator. The smoke is
thick. David Byrne is pacing back and forth in front of Pete. Pete is calmly
eating guacamole.
David Byrne: Where the fuck did he go? Do they
really just let the 9-1-1 people smoke weed at work now? Fucking Obama.
David Byrne hits the
call button again. It rings and rings. It is still ringing.
David Byrne: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT
Pete: Hey man, wanna shotgun? He takes
a beer can and bites a hole into the bottom of it, spilling foam on the floor.
David Byrne: You absolute dipshit. Pause. Of
COURSE I want to shotgun a beer.
Pete bites into
another can, and they both shotgun beers. While they are finishing, the
attendant finally picks up.
Attendant: Giggling Aw hey,
what's good, homies?
David Byrne: Where is the fire department?!
We've been stuck in here forever!
Attendant: Still giggling Ah
man, they're like, probably getting close. You guys good?
David Byrne: No! What the hell is going on,
where are they?
Pete: Hey Tommy- I mean sir, yeah, we're not
so good. He's freaking out, you should probably get us out of here.
David Byrne: Tommy? Wait, do you know this
guy?
Attendant: Ok Petey man, you sure?
David Byrne: You. Have. Got. To be shitting
me.
Pete: Shit, uh, yeah Tommy. We're good. Send
us out.
Alarm rings for a
second, and then cuts out
Attendant: Giggling Shit, my
B. Wrong button. Big fan David!
The elevator kicks
into motion, and descends toward the stage, and then through it and below it.
Before they go out of vision, Pete tries to hug David Byrne. David Byrne pushes
him off, and then kicks him in the nuts. The elevator disappears through the
stage.
Pete: From off stage, in pain Worth
it.
Lights down.
Act Two: David Byrne
and full lineup of The Talking Heads perform an exact remake of their hit 1984
concert film Stop Making Sense. Pete plays bongos on Burning Down the House. He
looks like he does not know where he is, but he is having so much fun.
